Conundrums

Just read Eli's blog. Amazing how similar I feel my struggles are to his at this point:

"And all of the pressure and anxiety lately has only made me think more about how different life was just a few months ago, hanging out on the streets in Moscow, comfortable, and relatively care-free. Every once in a while I get this flash-back of Kimberly, Acia, and I walking down this narrow street through the thick trees and concrete 20 story apartment complexes just outside of our office building. We've just finished work for the day and we have hours and hours of sunlight in a gorgeous, vibrant city. The possibilities are endless. We walk fast to get to metro because we have about 80 things we're trying to cram into our evening and we want to be able to do them all. Kimberly and I are teasing Acia about all the Russian boys we're going to find for her. She blushes and tells us in her cute Slavic accent to leave her alone. Eventually our conversation turns to vafly, which we've already eaten once or twice during the day. We pass the cheese roll stand where I buy my breakfast just after getting out of the metro every morning. And while that scene happened day-in, day-out for weeks, I never got tired of how happy I felt. I was somewhere that I really loved, experiencing something that I really loved. Now my life looks quite a bit different. It's not really better or worse, just different. Amid all the stress, I get to be with great friends with whom I share the opportunity to get an invaluable education. It comes at a cost of course; all good things do. Most of the time I'm convinced that I love it despite all the aspects that sometimes aren't so lovable. Sometimes I have to convince myself to love those not so lovable aspects in order to stay productive.There's always this little battle going on. Do I learn to love what I'm doing because I know it's right or do I change what I'm doing, cued in that not loving it is evidence that it's not right? How much of it am I supposed to love to make the sacrifice all worth it?I'm not about to dramatically change course. Occasionally, however, I have to stop and ask myself where it is I'm trying to get. I have to ask myself what kind of realistic destinations actually exist for me..."

To which I had to reply:

"Oh, Eli. You have no idea how much you just described what I'm going through! I think about Moscow all the time--much the similar picture: you and I laughing from the second we see each other, Acia rolling her eyes and laughing because we're laughing, her telling us we walk too fast. Tears literally sprang to my eyes when I was writing Sister Hall this week because I missed it all so much. Weren't those the good old days? Now back to reality, where I find myself asking how I ended up in SoCal studying public diplomacy and wondering what on earth I'm going to do if it isn't Church PA, cuz I sure as heck don't want to end up working for hollywood. And what was I thinking as a Russian literature undergrad going into classes on the Middle East, media, and foreign policy? As always, right there with you on the wondering..."